Q: What did a Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
A: Make me one with everything.
Q: How many Zen buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they are the light bulb.
Q: Why don't Buddhists vacuum in the corners?
A: Because they have no attachments.
Q: How many wives does Buddhism allow?
A: You may have as many as your tolerance for misery can bear.
Q: What happens when a Buddhist becomes totally absorbed with the computer he is working with?
A: He enters Nerdvana.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Banta Singh talks to bill gates about his new computer problems
Letter is from Banta Singh of Punjab to Mr Bill Gates of Microsoft
Subject: Problems with my new computer
Dear Mr.. Bill Gates,
We have bought a computer for our home and we have found some problems, which I want to bring to your notice.
1. There is a button 'start' but there is no 'stop' button. We request you to check this.
2. One doubt is whether any 're-scooter' is available in system? I find only 're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.
3. There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot trace the key with this ' find' button, but was unable to trace. Please rectify this problem.
4. My child learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn 'Microsoft sentence', so when you will provide that?
5. I brought computer, CPU, mouse and keyboard, but there is only one icon which shows 'MY Computer': when you will provide the remaining items?
6. It is surprising that windows says 'MY Pictures' but there is not even a single photo of mine. So when will you keep my photo in that.
7. There is 'MICROSOFT OFFICE' what about 'MICROSOFT HOME' since I use the PC at home only..
8. You provided 'My Recent Documents'. When you will provide 'My Past Documents'?
9. You provide 'My Network Places'. For God shake please do not provide 'My Secret Places'. I do not want to let my wife know where I go after my office hours.
Regards,
Banta
Last one from me to Mr Bill Gates :
Sir, how is it that your name is Gates but u are selling WINDOWS.
Subject: Problems with my new computer
Dear Mr.. Bill Gates,
We have bought a computer for our home and we have found some problems, which I want to bring to your notice.
1. There is a button 'start' but there is no 'stop' button. We request you to check this.
2. One doubt is whether any 're-scooter' is available in system? I find only 're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.
3. There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot trace the key with this ' find' button, but was unable to trace. Please rectify this problem.
4. My child learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn 'Microsoft sentence', so when you will provide that?
5. I brought computer, CPU, mouse and keyboard, but there is only one icon which shows 'MY Computer': when you will provide the remaining items?
6. It is surprising that windows says 'MY Pictures' but there is not even a single photo of mine. So when will you keep my photo in that.
7. There is 'MICROSOFT OFFICE' what about 'MICROSOFT HOME' since I use the PC at home only..
8. You provided 'My Recent Documents'. When you will provide 'My Past Documents'?
9. You provide 'My Network Places'. For God shake please do not provide 'My Secret Places'. I do not want to let my wife know where I go after my office hours.
Regards,
Banta
Last one from me to Mr Bill Gates :
Sir, how is it that your name is Gates but u are selling WINDOWS.
LIFE
* Don't fight too much. Or the enemy would know your art of war.
* The only job you start at the top is when you dig a grave.
* If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for everything.
* If you do little things well, you'll do big ones better.
* Only thing that comes to you without effort is old age.
* You won't get a second chance to make the first impression.
* Only those who do nothing do not make mistakes.
* Never take a problem to your boss unless you have a solution.
* If you are not failing you're not taking enough risks.
* Don't try to get rid of bad temper by losing it.
* If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
* Those who don't make mistakes usually don't make anything
* There are two kinds of failures. Those who think and never do, and those who do and never think.
* Pick battles big enough to matter, small enough to win.
* All progress has resulted from unpopular decisions.
* Change your thoughts and you change your world.
* Understanding proves intelligence, not the speed of the learning.
* The best way to kill an idea is to take it to a meeting.
* Management is doing things right. Leadership is doing the right things.
* The only job you start at the top is when you dig a grave.
* If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for everything.
* If you do little things well, you'll do big ones better.
* Only thing that comes to you without effort is old age.
* You won't get a second chance to make the first impression.
* Only those who do nothing do not make mistakes.
* Never take a problem to your boss unless you have a solution.
* If you are not failing you're not taking enough risks.
* Don't try to get rid of bad temper by losing it.
* If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
* Those who don't make mistakes usually don't make anything
* There are two kinds of failures. Those who think and never do, and those who do and never think.
* Pick battles big enough to matter, small enough to win.
* All progress has resulted from unpopular decisions.
* Change your thoughts and you change your world.
* Understanding proves intelligence, not the speed of the learning.
* The best way to kill an idea is to take it to a meeting.
* Management is doing things right. Leadership is doing the right things.
What is LOVE ?
*What is Love???*
A group of 4 to 8 year-old Children were asked, "What does love mean?" The answers they gave were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined.
--"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday" (Tina - age 7)
--"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night." (Clare - Age 5)
--"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love." (Rebecca - age 8 )
--"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs." (Chrissy - age 6 )
--"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired." (Terri - age 4 )
--"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK." (Danny - age 7)
--"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well." (Tommy - age 6 )
--"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore. That's love" (Cindy -age 8)
--"Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken." (Elaine - age 5)
--"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day." (Mary Ann - age 4 )
Love............
is not only made for lovers....... its also for parents,brothers and sisters, friends and almost for everyone...
who sometimes luv each other better than a lover .
Smile and spread some love plzzz
A group of 4 to 8 year-old Children were asked, "What does love mean?" The answers they gave were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined.
--"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday" (Tina - age 7)
--"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night." (Clare - Age 5)
--"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love." (Rebecca - age 8 )
--"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs." (Chrissy - age 6 )
--"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired." (Terri - age 4 )
--"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK." (Danny - age 7)
--"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well." (Tommy - age 6 )
--"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore. That's love" (Cindy -age 8)
--"Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken." (Elaine - age 5)
--"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day." (Mary Ann - age 4 )
Love............
is not only made for lovers....... its also for parents,brothers and sisters, friends and almost for everyone...
who sometimes luv each other better than a lover .
Smile and spread some love plzzz
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Male Teen has his first sex, Dad is Proud
A couple were sitting up waiting for their 16 year old son to come home from a social engagement when the boy came into the house with a big smile on his face.
"Hi, Mum! Hi, Dad! He said breathlessly. "Guess what! I've just had sex for the first time, and it was wonderful!"
His mother turned red and said to her husband, "He's your son. You talk to him".
Then she left the room.
The father said "Son, that's great. Now you've become a man and I'm proud of you. I'm going to celebrate the occasion by buying you that ten-speed bike you've been wanting. I hope you don't mind waiting till payday to get the bike."
"That's OK, Dad", said the boy. "I couldn't ride it right now anyway, my ass is too sore".
"Hi, Mum! Hi, Dad! He said breathlessly. "Guess what! I've just had sex for the first time, and it was wonderful!"
His mother turned red and said to her husband, "He's your son. You talk to him".
Then she left the room.
The father said "Son, that's great. Now you've become a man and I'm proud of you. I'm going to celebrate the occasion by buying you that ten-speed bike you've been wanting. I hope you don't mind waiting till payday to get the bike."
"That's OK, Dad", said the boy. "I couldn't ride it right now anyway, my ass is too sore".
Monday, April 26, 2010
Priest OFF video
GOOD NEWS !!
The sexual abuse of children by ordained clergy can now be easily combated by using this simple spray repellent.
The sexual abuse of children by ordained clergy can now be easily combated by using this simple spray repellent.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Sometimes its best to not know.....
My stomach hurts
A man with a bad stomach ache goes to his local doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured with a small course of two suppositories inserted deep into the rectum.
The man agrees and the doctor tells him to bend over, and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him the second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours time using rubber gloves and KY-Jelly or something.
So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. Thus, he calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home.
Suddenly the man screams in disgust.
"What's the matter hun?" asked his wife. "Did I hurt you?"
"No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders."
A man with a bad stomach ache goes to his local doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured with a small course of two suppositories inserted deep into the rectum.
The man agrees and the doctor tells him to bend over, and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him the second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours time using rubber gloves and KY-Jelly or something.
So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. Thus, he calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home.
Suddenly the man screams in disgust.
"What's the matter hun?" asked his wife. "Did I hurt you?"
"No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders."
Which general has the toughest man ??
A Marine general, a Commando general and a Navy Admiral were discussing who had the toughest men.
The Marine general says:: Alright, I'll prove the marines have the toughest men in this country. Private, get over here!
The marine private reports as ordered, "Yes sir?"
The marine general says:: See that man over there? Kill him!
Without hesitating, the private takes aim with his M-16 and kills the man.
The marine general says:: See? That man has balls!
The Commando general says:: That's nothing. Private, get over here!
The Commando private reports, "Yes, sir?"
The commando general says":: See that man over there? Kill him and then kill yourself.
Without blinking, the commando private pulls out his Samurai Sword and chops the guy into 2, then cuts off his own dick, dying slowly in a spray of blood.
The commando general says:: See? Now that man has balls!
The Navy Admiral says:: That's nothing.
He calls to a seaman high up on a tower, "Hey, seaman, jump off that tower!"
The seaman answers:: Excuse me, sir?
The admiral repeats:: JUMP OFF THAT TOWER!
The seaman replies:: FUCK YOU, MOTHER CB, YOU THINK I NO BRAIN ISSIT ?
The admiral says:: "See? That man has balls and he's got brains too!"
The Marine general says:: Alright, I'll prove the marines have the toughest men in this country. Private, get over here!
The marine private reports as ordered, "Yes sir?"
The marine general says:: See that man over there? Kill him!
Without hesitating, the private takes aim with his M-16 and kills the man.
The marine general says:: See? That man has balls!
The Commando general says:: That's nothing. Private, get over here!
The Commando private reports, "Yes, sir?"
The commando general says":: See that man over there? Kill him and then kill yourself.
Without blinking, the commando private pulls out his Samurai Sword and chops the guy into 2, then cuts off his own dick, dying slowly in a spray of blood.
The commando general says:: See? Now that man has balls!
The Navy Admiral says:: That's nothing.
He calls to a seaman high up on a tower, "Hey, seaman, jump off that tower!"
The seaman answers:: Excuse me, sir?
The admiral repeats:: JUMP OFF THAT TOWER!
The seaman replies:: FUCK YOU, MOTHER CB, YOU THINK I NO BRAIN ISSIT ?
The admiral says:: "See? That man has balls and he's got brains too!"
Monday, April 5, 2010
Teacher Teacher..
The teacher walked into the classroom to find the word "penis" chalked in small letters on the board. She was a bit embarrassed, so she didn't say anything, but rubbed it out and went on with the class. But the next day when she came in, she found the same thing again - "penis", this time written slightly larger.
So she rubbed it out again, and went on with the lesson. Again next day, in larger letters, there was the word "penis" again. With a red face she rubbed it out and went on with the lesson. Well, this went on for a whole week, every day the word penis getting bigger. Finally, on Friday she went into the classroom to find chalked up:
"See, the harder you rub it, the bigger it gets!"
So she rubbed it out again, and went on with the lesson. Again next day, in larger letters, there was the word "penis" again. With a red face she rubbed it out and went on with the lesson. Well, this went on for a whole week, every day the word penis getting bigger. Finally, on Friday she went into the classroom to find chalked up:
"See, the harder you rub it, the bigger it gets!"
Wolrd's greatest snooker player gets married
Steve Davis, the world champion snooker player, got married and it was the first night of his honeymoon. His beautiful wife lay spread across the bed wearing only a scanty silken black nightdress.
Presently Steve came out of the bathroom totally naked with a long stiff erection and walked slowly to the foot of the bed. He didn't utter a sound but simply stood there looking at her and chalking the end of his erect penis.
This went on for over ten minutes, the only movement being the slow rhythmic chalking of the tip of his penis and the movement of his head from side to side as he stared at her lying on the bed. Eventually, moist with excitement and shaking with anticipation she tore off her night dress and slowly spread her legs wide open waiting for him to take her.
Steve simply raised his eyebrows, cocked his head to the side and continued to slowly stroke the soft chalk across the glistening, throbbing penis as he stared intensely at the pleasures he saw between her outspread legs. It was too much for her to stand, writhing in an agony of expectation and frustration she screamed out, "For God's sake what are you waiting for?"
Steve gently stroked the chalk across his throbbing penis, blew the loose chalk off its end, smiled and looking even more closely between her smooth thighs quietly told her, "I'm trying to decide whether to go for the tight brown or the easy pink."
Presently Steve came out of the bathroom totally naked with a long stiff erection and walked slowly to the foot of the bed. He didn't utter a sound but simply stood there looking at her and chalking the end of his erect penis.
This went on for over ten minutes, the only movement being the slow rhythmic chalking of the tip of his penis and the movement of his head from side to side as he stared at her lying on the bed. Eventually, moist with excitement and shaking with anticipation she tore off her night dress and slowly spread her legs wide open waiting for him to take her.
Steve simply raised his eyebrows, cocked his head to the side and continued to slowly stroke the soft chalk across the glistening, throbbing penis as he stared intensely at the pleasures he saw between her outspread legs. It was too much for her to stand, writhing in an agony of expectation and frustration she screamed out, "For God's sake what are you waiting for?"
Steve gently stroked the chalk across his throbbing penis, blew the loose chalk off its end, smiled and looking even more closely between her smooth thighs quietly told her, "I'm trying to decide whether to go for the tight brown or the easy pink."
Time for some parent meetings
The teacher in Johnny's school asked the class what their parents did for a living.
One little girl said her father was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer.
When it was Little Johnny's turn, he stood up and said, "My mom's a sexy whore!"
Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office. Then, 15 minutes later, he returned.
So the teacher asked, "Did you tell the principal what you said in class?"
Johnny said, "Yes."
"Well, what did the principal say?"
"He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me an apple and asked for my phone number!"
One little girl said her father was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer.
When it was Little Johnny's turn, he stood up and said, "My mom's a sexy whore!"
Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office. Then, 15 minutes later, he returned.
So the teacher asked, "Did you tell the principal what you said in class?"
Johnny said, "Yes."
"Well, what did the principal say?"
"He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me an apple and asked for my phone number!"
Not everything appears as it seems
There were two brothers. One was very good and tried to always live right and be helpful.
His brother on the other hand was bad and did all the things that men should not do in life and didn't care who he hurt.
The bad brother died. He was still missed by his brother since he loved him despite his ways.
Finally, years later, the good brother died and went to Heaven. Everything was beautiful and wonderful there, and he was very happy.
One day he asked God where his brother was, as he hadn't seen him there.
God said that he was sorry but his brother lived a terrible life and went to Hell instead.
The good brother then asked God if there was any way for him to see his brother.
So God gave him the power of vision to see into Hell and there was his brother.
He was sitting on a bench with a keg of beer under one arm and a gorgeous blonde on the other.
Confused, the good brother said to God, "I am so happy that you let me into Heaven with you.
It is so beautiful here and I love it. But I don't understand - if my brother was bad enough to go to Hell, why does he have the keg of beer and a gorgeous blonde? It hardly seems like a punishment".
God said unto him, "Things are not always as they seem, my son.
The keg has a hole in it; the blonde does not."
His brother on the other hand was bad and did all the things that men should not do in life and didn't care who he hurt.
The bad brother died. He was still missed by his brother since he loved him despite his ways.
Finally, years later, the good brother died and went to Heaven. Everything was beautiful and wonderful there, and he was very happy.
One day he asked God where his brother was, as he hadn't seen him there.
God said that he was sorry but his brother lived a terrible life and went to Hell instead.
The good brother then asked God if there was any way for him to see his brother.
So God gave him the power of vision to see into Hell and there was his brother.
He was sitting on a bench with a keg of beer under one arm and a gorgeous blonde on the other.
Confused, the good brother said to God, "I am so happy that you let me into Heaven with you.
It is so beautiful here and I love it. But I don't understand - if my brother was bad enough to go to Hell, why does he have the keg of beer and a gorgeous blonde? It hardly seems like a punishment".
God said unto him, "Things are not always as they seem, my son.
The keg has a hole in it; the blonde does not."
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Mail Order Brides
A poor 3rd world-country woman was going to marry one of those guys that wants a foreign virgin bride. Since she was not, she went to a doctor to reconstruct her hymen. The doctor told her that would cost around $500, but there was another way that will cost only $50.
The woman agreed to try the cheap way, paid the money, and the doctor worked on her for several minutes.
After the "first night", the woman came back to the doctor and told him that it was perfect. The pain, the blood, everything was there. She asked him how he did it.
"I tied your pubic hair together," he answered.
The woman agreed to try the cheap way, paid the money, and the doctor worked on her for several minutes.
After the "first night", the woman came back to the doctor and told him that it was perfect. The pain, the blood, everything was there. She asked him how he did it.
"I tied your pubic hair together," he answered.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Necessary Qualities to be a Top Investment Banker
Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad
news, the donkey died.’
Chuck replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’
The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.’
Chuck said, ‘OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.’
The farmer asked, ‘What ya gonna do with him?
Chuck said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’
The farmer said ‘You can’t raffle off a dead donkey!’
Chuck said, ‘Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.’
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, ‘What happened
with that dead donkey?’
Chuck said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars
apiece and made a profit of $898.00.’
The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’
Chuck said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.’
Chuck now works for an investment bank....trying to sell YOU his products !!
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad
news, the donkey died.’
Chuck replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’
The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.’
Chuck said, ‘OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.’
The farmer asked, ‘What ya gonna do with him?
Chuck said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’
The farmer said ‘You can’t raffle off a dead donkey!’
Chuck said, ‘Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.’
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, ‘What happened
with that dead donkey?’
Chuck said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars
apiece and made a profit of $898.00.’
The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’
Chuck said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.’
Chuck now works for an investment bank....trying to sell YOU his products !!
Sunday, March 14, 2010
China latest home gimmick - Buy 1 house, Get 1 Balcony Free.
Buy 1 house, Get 1 Balcony Free.
'ROPE LADDER' and ' INSURANCE' not included
Speed learning chinese language
Here are some easy sentences to learn chinese in 5 minutes..Read Out Loud for maximum effect !
Friday, March 12, 2010
Latest news about Jack Neo scandal with Photograph !??
Just joking mr. jack neo...if you want me to take down the photo just contact me...
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
How to detect fake orgasms !
Whether a woman fakes her orgasms or not is something the majority of men would rather not question. This is in case they discovered that she has been faking it all along, and that they are not, in fact, the stud they thought women go wild for. Rather, they are a pathetic creature with a problem, who needs to be patronized.
For those of you who would prefer not to ask her, but would still like to know, there is a simple checklist to help you.
1. In the middle of lovemaking, and just before the moment it sounds as though she is about to have an orgasm, stop and take away the magazine she's been looking at. If she says, "Dammit, I was reading that!" she was faking.
2. If her panting, groaning and screaming are in tune to whatever is showing on her iPod Playlist, she can't be concentrating enough on the "job at hand," and must therefore be faking it. Or else she really likes those songs playing on her iPod.
3. A rule of thumb, which is usually very accurate, is: stop at random and record her response. If every time you stop she says, "Mmmmm, you were wonderful, baby," she is faking it. If she says, "Don't stop!" she isn't. However, if she says "Don't stop!" hours after lovemaking has finished, it is possible that she may have fallen asleep, and missed most of the excitement.
Remember these guidelines for future reference
For those of you who would prefer not to ask her, but would still like to know, there is a simple checklist to help you.
1. In the middle of lovemaking, and just before the moment it sounds as though she is about to have an orgasm, stop and take away the magazine she's been looking at. If she says, "Dammit, I was reading that!" she was faking.
2. If her panting, groaning and screaming are in tune to whatever is showing on her iPod Playlist, she can't be concentrating enough on the "job at hand," and must therefore be faking it. Or else she really likes those songs playing on her iPod.
3. A rule of thumb, which is usually very accurate, is: stop at random and record her response. If every time you stop she says, "Mmmmm, you were wonderful, baby," she is faking it. If she says, "Don't stop!" she isn't. However, if she says "Don't stop!" hours after lovemaking has finished, it is possible that she may have fallen asleep, and missed most of the excitement.
Remember these guidelines for future reference
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Message to my readers
-
To my Dear, Precious readers who dared to tick the 'boring' reaction.
-
Hopefully you will like this special picture...just for you
To my Dear, Precious readers who dared to tick the 'boring' reaction.
-
Hopefully you will like this special picture...just for you
Monday, March 8, 2010
Shakespeare translated !
Shakespeare was a very wise man but you'd never know it because he used such fancy-schmancy words.
Now our crack team of cunning linguists has translated a number of Shakespeare's quotes into modern day English......It's about time we were all able to enjoy the wit and wisdom of this oddly groomed scribe.
-
Self-love, my liege, is not so vile a sin, as self-neglecting.
Translation: We should masturbate more.
The weakest kind of fruit drops earliest to the ground.
Translation: Only fight sissies.
Great floods have flown from simple sources.
Translation: Never have sex with your girlfriend during her period.
The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.
Translation: Let's kill all the lawyers. Really.
Be to yourself as you would to your friend.
Translation: It's OK to sleep with your sister because your friend sure would.
Is the jay more precious than the lark because his feathers are more beautiful?
Translation: Good-looking strippers get bigger tips.
Have patience, and endure.
Translation: Use one of those numbing creams if you have to. Or try wearing five condoms at once.
I can express no kinder sign of love than this kind kiss.
Translation: First base is better than striking out altogether.
Men at some time are masters of their fate.
Translation: Get married and you're screwed.
They that thrive well take counsel of their friends.
Translation: If your drinking buddies say she's really a man, listen to them.
That man that hath a tongue, I say, is no man, if with his tongue he cannot win a woman.
Translation: If you're desperate to impress her, you can always resort to oral sex.
O, flatter me, for love delights in praises.
Translation: Honesty isn't necessarily the best policy when it comes to penis size.
The course of true love never did run smooth.
Translation: When dumping someone, always wear a protective cup over your privates.
I'll note you in my book of memory.
Translation: Don't expect me to call...ever
Alas, poor world, what treasure hast thou lost.
Translation: Author of this blog has decided to abstain from sex
Love's gentle spring doth always fresh remain.
Translation: http://www.wikihow.com/Wash-Your-Vagina
Praising what is lost, makes the remembrance dear.
Translation: When you're telling your buddies about your conquests, exaggerate. A lot.
'Tis better to be brief than tedious.
Translation: Quickies rock.
My endeavors have ever come too short of my desires.
Translation: You never had any Hot Steaming love with sexy Twins and you probably Never Will.
Get over it.
Now our crack team of cunning linguists has translated a number of Shakespeare's quotes into modern day English......It's about time we were all able to enjoy the wit and wisdom of this oddly groomed scribe.
-
Self-love, my liege, is not so vile a sin, as self-neglecting.
Translation: We should masturbate more.
The weakest kind of fruit drops earliest to the ground.
Translation: Only fight sissies.
Great floods have flown from simple sources.
Translation: Never have sex with your girlfriend during her period.
The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.
Translation: Let's kill all the lawyers. Really.
Be to yourself as you would to your friend.
Translation: It's OK to sleep with your sister because your friend sure would.
Is the jay more precious than the lark because his feathers are more beautiful?
Translation: Good-looking strippers get bigger tips.
Have patience, and endure.
Translation: Use one of those numbing creams if you have to. Or try wearing five condoms at once.
I can express no kinder sign of love than this kind kiss.
Translation: First base is better than striking out altogether.
Men at some time are masters of their fate.
Translation: Get married and you're screwed.
They that thrive well take counsel of their friends.
Translation: If your drinking buddies say she's really a man, listen to them.
That man that hath a tongue, I say, is no man, if with his tongue he cannot win a woman.
Translation: If you're desperate to impress her, you can always resort to oral sex.
O, flatter me, for love delights in praises.
Translation: Honesty isn't necessarily the best policy when it comes to penis size.
The course of true love never did run smooth.
Translation: When dumping someone, always wear a protective cup over your privates.
I'll note you in my book of memory.
Translation: Don't expect me to call...ever
Alas, poor world, what treasure hast thou lost.
Translation: Author of this blog has decided to abstain from sex
Love's gentle spring doth always fresh remain.
Translation: http://www.wikihow.com/Wash-Your-Vagina
Praising what is lost, makes the remembrance dear.
Translation: When you're telling your buddies about your conquests, exaggerate. A lot.
'Tis better to be brief than tedious.
Translation: Quickies rock.
My endeavors have ever come too short of my desires.
Translation: You never had any Hot Steaming love with sexy Twins and you probably Never Will.
Get over it.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Hippie scores with a Nun
Once apon a time (Approximately, 30 years ago) there was a Hippie who had just gotten stoned. He got on a bus and sat at the back where there was a Nun reading the bible. Being stoned, he asked, “Hey. wanna hook up and score?”
The Nun simply replied, No thank-you, My virginity is Sacred. Feeling stupid, the Hippie finally gets to his stop and is about to leave when the bus driver stops him......
Dude, if you really want to hook up with her, you should go down to the Church every Sunday. She is a Christian and a dedicated one too. She literally LOVES jesus!
This gave him an idea....
He dressed up as Jesus and walked into the Church on Sunday. Sure enough, he saw the Nun praying. He walked up to her, held out his arms and said, “Behold. I am the mighty Jesus Christ. Lets score.” She was overjoyed and they had almighty sex there and then....
After it was over he ripped off the Costume and screamed, “Hah! I’m really the Hippie!.”
The Nun simply replied, "And I’m really the Bus Driver."
.
.
The Nun simply replied, No thank-you, My virginity is Sacred. Feeling stupid, the Hippie finally gets to his stop and is about to leave when the bus driver stops him......
Dude, if you really want to hook up with her, you should go down to the Church every Sunday. She is a Christian and a dedicated one too. She literally LOVES jesus!
This gave him an idea....
He dressed up as Jesus and walked into the Church on Sunday. Sure enough, he saw the Nun praying. He walked up to her, held out his arms and said, “Behold. I am the mighty Jesus Christ. Lets score.” She was overjoyed and they had almighty sex there and then....
After it was over he ripped off the Costume and screamed, “Hah! I’m really the Hippie!.”
The Nun simply replied, "And I’m really the Bus Driver."
.
.
The 2 holy parrots
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”
“What do they say?” the priest inquired."
They say, “Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?”
That’s obscene! the priest exclaimed; then he thought for a moment. You know, he said, I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we’ll put them in the cage with Frank and Jacob.
My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time.
“Thank you,” the woman responded, this may very well be the solution.
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest’s house.As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
Immediately, the female parrots cried out in unison: “Hi, we’re hookers!
Do you want to have some fun?”
There was stunned silence.
Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, “Put the beads away, Frank, our prayers have been answered!”
Thursday, March 4, 2010
SAF propose new ways to save money for budget 2010
Old Bronco
New Bronco
according to a top official, the new bronco is smaller and thus, harder to kenna hit by the enemie
according to a top official, the new bronco is smaller and thus, harder to kenna hit by the enemie
Our RSAF, not to be outdone in parliament, unveils their new Low budget, Automatic-tracking weapon with self-reloading feature
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Malaysian Joke
How do you explain the fact that 87% of the students passed the
examinations of the Sijil Persekolahan Malaysia (SPM) recently?
When during your grandfather's time only 10% would have passed? Are
students getting smarter? Or are SPM questions getting easier? Let me put
things in their proper perspective. During your grandfather's time, they
would ask exam questions like:
In what year did Parameswara found the kingdom of Melaka?
The correct answer was "1402", and they found that only 10% of the students
managed to answer the question correctly. This didn't go down too well
with the authorities, because the objective of the exams was to pass
people. I mean, what's the point of having exams if people fail?
So later, they found another way to ask the same question:
Parameswara founded the kingdom of Melaka in the year:
(a) 2001
(b) 2004
(c) 1986
(d) 1975
(e) 1402
Tick the correct answer.
The results were better in that 20% of the students passed. But it was
still not good enough, so the authorities tried a different tactic a few
years later.
Parameswara founded the kingdom of Melaka in the year1402. True or false?
Well, half of the students guessed "True" and the other half guessed
"False". Fully 50% passed. The results were getting pretty acceptable by
now. Most other countries would be satisfied with a 50% passing rate, but
not us. We are a better country, because we are a boleh country.The
authorities then cracked their heads and then came out with this one:
Read the following sentence carefully.
"Parameswara, the cousin of Proton-Iswara, founded the kingdom of Melaka in
the year 1402." Underline the name of the person who founded Melaka.
60% underlined "Parameswara", 30% underlined "Proton-Iswara" and 10%
underlined "1402". Hooiyoh......60% managed to pass!
So krever! But for some reason, the authorities were still not contented.
So last year, they came out with this gem:
One day in the year 1402, Parameswara founded the kingdom of Melaka. Then
he went home to have dinner. What did he eat?
13% handed in blank answers, 57% wrote "Maggi Mee", and 10% wrote Kentucky
Fried Chicken", and 20% wrote "Tree bark".
The official answer was "Food"
After the marking was over, it was found that 87% of the students had
passed. 87%............now that's pretty impressive!
So it's true. The students are indeed getting smarter.
examinations of the Sijil Persekolahan Malaysia (SPM) recently?
When during your grandfather's time only 10% would have passed? Are
students getting smarter? Or are SPM questions getting easier? Let me put
things in their proper perspective. During your grandfather's time, they
would ask exam questions like:
In what year did Parameswara found the kingdom of Melaka?
The correct answer was "1402", and they found that only 10% of the students
managed to answer the question correctly. This didn't go down too well
with the authorities, because the objective of the exams was to pass
people. I mean, what's the point of having exams if people fail?
So later, they found another way to ask the same question:
Parameswara founded the kingdom of Melaka in the year:
(a) 2001
(b) 2004
(c) 1986
(d) 1975
(e) 1402
Tick the correct answer.
The results were better in that 20% of the students passed. But it was
still not good enough, so the authorities tried a different tactic a few
years later.
Parameswara founded the kingdom of Melaka in the year1402. True or false?
Well, half of the students guessed "True" and the other half guessed
"False". Fully 50% passed. The results were getting pretty acceptable by
now. Most other countries would be satisfied with a 50% passing rate, but
not us. We are a better country, because we are a boleh country.The
authorities then cracked their heads and then came out with this one:
Read the following sentence carefully.
"Parameswara, the cousin of Proton-Iswara, founded the kingdom of Melaka in
the year 1402." Underline the name of the person who founded Melaka.
60% underlined "Parameswara", 30% underlined "Proton-Iswara" and 10%
underlined "1402". Hooiyoh......60% managed to pass!
So krever! But for some reason, the authorities were still not contented.
So last year, they came out with this gem:
One day in the year 1402, Parameswara founded the kingdom of Melaka. Then
he went home to have dinner. What did he eat?
13% handed in blank answers, 57% wrote "Maggi Mee", and 10% wrote Kentucky
Fried Chicken", and 20% wrote "Tree bark".
The official answer was "Food"
After the marking was over, it was found that 87% of the students had
passed. 87%............now that's pretty impressive!
So it's true. The students are indeed getting smarter.
short jokes
A man is dying of Cancer.
His son asked him, " Dad, why do u keep telling people u're dying of
AIDS? "
Answer: " So when I'm dead no one will dare touch your mom!"
-
Three Feelings:
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,and
Panic is when both are pregnant.
His son asked him, " Dad, why do u keep telling people u're dying of
AIDS? "
Answer: " So when I'm dead no one will dare touch your mom!"
-
Three Feelings:
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,and
Panic is when both are pregnant.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Thermometer troubles
A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"
She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing.
After a half hour, the man's doctor came into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"
After a pause, the doctor confessed....."Not with a carnation."
13 one-liners
1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory.. I don't remember, what I chose.
2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings....'
5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.
6. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly..
7. Virginity can be cured.
8. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
9. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
10. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing......
11. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.
12. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
13. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!!
2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings....'
5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.
6. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly..
7. Virginity can be cured.
8. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
9. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
10. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing......
11. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.
12. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
13. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!!
Magic Oasis
Three disabled men (a blind man, an amputee, and a man in a wheelchair) are flying back with the USA team from the Paralympic games in the Middle East when their plane crashes in the Sahara Desert. The three disabled men, the only survivors, are now stranded and wait for someone to rescue them, but no one shows.
They start to get real thirsty, so they decide to seek out water. The amputee leads the way, with the blind man pushing the man in the wheelchair;. Eventually they find an oasis. The amputee leader goes into the water first, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and lo and behold, he has a NEW LEG! He gets excited and encourages his friends to do the same.
The blind man offers to push the guy in the wheelchair, but he is refused. The man in the chair is skeptical and insists the blind man goes ahead first. So he goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and lo and behold, he can SEE!
Now the man in the wheelchair is getting really excited and starts pushing with all his might. He goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, and wheels out the other side. Lo and behold ... NEW TIRES!!!
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
FOR OVER-PROTECTIVE MOMS - WHEN TO STOP BREAST FEEDING ?
TOP 10 SIGNS that your son has grown too old for Breast Feeding
10. He can open your blouse by himself.
9. While suckling at one breast, he caresses the other.
8. He has developed a bad habit of flicking his tongue.
7. He keeps slipping dollar bills in your belt.
6. He uses your milk as creamer for his coffee.
5. Your birth control pills interfere with his acne medicine.
4. After each feeding, he has a smoke.
3. He frequently invites his friends over for dinner.
2. You feel an uncontrollable urge to listen to Dueling Banjos.
1. Beard abrasions on areola.
10. He can open your blouse by himself.
9. While suckling at one breast, he caresses the other.
8. He has developed a bad habit of flicking his tongue.
7. He keeps slipping dollar bills in your belt.
6. He uses your milk as creamer for his coffee.
5. Your birth control pills interfere with his acne medicine.
4. After each feeding, he has a smoke.
3. He frequently invites his friends over for dinner.
2. You feel an uncontrollable urge to listen to Dueling Banjos.
1. Beard abrasions on areola.
America Health Care
The queen of England was visiting one of America’s top hospitals, and during her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.
“Oh my god!”, said the Queen, “That’s disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???”
The doctor leading the tour explains, “I’m sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn’t ejaculate five times a day, his testicles would quite literally explode and he would most likely die instantly.”
“Oh, I am sorry” said the Queen.
The tour continued on the next floor of the hospital. After walking past several rooms, they passed an open door where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.
“Oh my God!” said the Queen, “What’s happening in there?”
The Doctor replied, “Same problem, better health plan.”
“Oh my god!”, said the Queen, “That’s disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???”
The doctor leading the tour explains, “I’m sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn’t ejaculate five times a day, his testicles would quite literally explode and he would most likely die instantly.”
“Oh, I am sorry” said the Queen.
The tour continued on the next floor of the hospital. After walking past several rooms, they passed an open door where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.
“Oh my God!” said the Queen, “What’s happening in there?”
The Doctor replied, “Same problem, better health plan.”
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
18 lines
[1] Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.
[2] Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.
[3] Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!
[4] I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash.
[5] A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.
[6] Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.
[7] Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without
[8] You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it.
[9] Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
[10] Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway..
[11] My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.
[12] Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.
[13] Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.
[14] A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.
[15] You're getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.
[16] Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.
[17] Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.
[18] Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something[
[2] Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.
[3] Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!
[4] I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash.
[5] A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.
[6] Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.
[7] Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without
[8] You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it.
[9] Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
[10] Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway..
[11] My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.
[12] Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.
[13] Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.
[14] A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.
[15] You're getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.
[16] Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.
[17] Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.
[18] Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something[
Friday, February 12, 2010
Blondes prove their not dumb
A group of Blondes decided that it was not ok to assicaite dumbness with blondes so they decided to hold a convention to proof to the world that blondes are not dumb.
On the actual day of the convention,with the presence of a nationwide media coverage, the host decided to test a blonde on stage, in front of 60,000 blondes and the national media, to prove that blondes are not dumb by asking a few questions.
A brave blonde come on stage and the host asked her....
Host: What is 15 plus 15?
After 30 seconds the blonde shouted "44!!!" The crowd went "OOOHHHHH......"
Slightly embarrassed, the host shook his head. But the crowd went" Give her another chance
Host : What is 10 plus 10?
The blonde took 1 full minute this time and shouted" 18!!!"
Again the crowd went "OOOHHHH...." The host,much ammbrassed this time again shook his head, but the crowd again went " Give her another chance,give her another chance" So the host,in order to support the notion that blondes are not dumb asked another question.
Host: What is 1 plus 1? The blonde took 3 minutes thus time and shouted "2!!!"
The crowd went " OOOHHHH.... Give her another chance,give her another chance." __________________
On the actual day of the convention,with the presence of a nationwide media coverage, the host decided to test a blonde on stage, in front of 60,000 blondes and the national media, to prove that blondes are not dumb by asking a few questions.
A brave blonde come on stage and the host asked her....
Host: What is 15 plus 15?
After 30 seconds the blonde shouted "44!!!" The crowd went "OOOHHHHH......"
Slightly embarrassed, the host shook his head. But the crowd went" Give her another chance
Host : What is 10 plus 10?
The blonde took 1 full minute this time and shouted" 18!!!"
Again the crowd went "OOOHHHH...." The host,much ammbrassed this time again shook his head, but the crowd again went " Give her another chance,give her another chance" So the host,in order to support the notion that blondes are not dumb asked another question.
Host: What is 1 plus 1? The blonde took 3 minutes thus time and shouted "2!!!"
The crowd went " OOOHHHH.... Give her another chance,give her another chance." __________________
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Answering Service At The Mental Institute
"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until someone comes on the line.
If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic-stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you."
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until someone comes on the line.
If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic-stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you."
Subjective Views in the Barroom
Having already downed a few power drinks, the woman turned to the man beside her, looked him straight in the eyes and said, “Listen up, Buddy. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean… it doesn’t matter to me. I’ve been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it.” Eyes wide with interest, he responded, “No kidding, I’m a lawyer too! What firm are you with?”
Monday, February 1, 2010
Phone Network Discovery
German scientists dug 50 metres underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nationwide telephone network.
Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 metres down, they found small pieces of glass, and they soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nationwide fibre net.
Israeli scientists were outraged. They dug 50, 100 and 200 metres underground, but found absolutely nothing......They concluded that the ancient Hebrews 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones.
Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 metres down, they found small pieces of glass, and they soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nationwide fibre net.
Israeli scientists were outraged. They dug 50, 100 and 200 metres underground, but found absolutely nothing......They concluded that the ancient Hebrews 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Crab woes
A crab and a lobster are secretly dating. Pretty soon,
the lobster tires of the lying and tells her father, who
then forbids her to see the crab anymore.
'It will never work honey', he says to her. 'Crabs walk
sideways and we walk straight'.
'Please', she begs her father. 'Just meet him once, I
know you will like him'.
Her father relents and agrees to a one-time meeting,
and she runs off to tell the good news to her crab
sweetie.
The crab is so excited he decides to surprise his beloved's
family. He practiced and practiced until he can finally
walk straight.
On the BIG day, he walks the entire way to the lobster's
house as straight as he can.
Standing on the porch and seeing the crab walked towards
him, the lobster dad yelled to his daughter, 'I knew it, here
comes the crab and he is drunk!'.
the lobster tires of the lying and tells her father, who
then forbids her to see the crab anymore.
'It will never work honey', he says to her. 'Crabs walk
sideways and we walk straight'.
'Please', she begs her father. 'Just meet him once, I
know you will like him'.
Her father relents and agrees to a one-time meeting,
and she runs off to tell the good news to her crab
sweetie.
The crab is so excited he decides to surprise his beloved's
family. He practiced and practiced until he can finally
walk straight.
On the BIG day, he walks the entire way to the lobster's
house as straight as he can.
Standing on the porch and seeing the crab walked towards
him, the lobster dad yelled to his daughter, 'I knew it, here
comes the crab and he is drunk!'.
Poems written by WIFE and HUSBAND.
WIFE:
I wrote your name on sand it got washed.
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away.
Then I wrote your name on my heart & I got Heart Attack.
HUSBAND:
God saw me hungry, he created pizza.
He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi.
He saw me in dark, he created light.
He saw me without problems, he created YOU.
WIFE:
Twinkle twinkle little star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far.
HUSBAND:
The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful
Why doesn't it rain on you?
WIFE:
Roses are red; Violets are blue
Monkeys like u should be kept in zoo.
Don't feel so angry you will find me there too
Not in cage but laughing at you
I wrote your name on sand it got washed.
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away.
Then I wrote your name on my heart & I got Heart Attack.
HUSBAND:
God saw me hungry, he created pizza.
He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi.
He saw me in dark, he created light.
He saw me without problems, he created YOU.
WIFE:
Twinkle twinkle little star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far.
HUSBAND:
The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful
Why doesn't it rain on you?
WIFE:
Roses are red; Violets are blue
Monkeys like u should be kept in zoo.
Don't feel so angry you will find me there too
Not in cage but laughing at you
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
bribery gone wrong
Michael the Dragon Master was an official in King Arthur's court. He had a long standing obsession - to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts. But he knew the penalty for this would be death.
One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio, who was the King's chief physician.
Horatio said, "I can arrange it, but I will need 1,000 gold coins as a
bribe".
Michael the Dragon Master readily agreed.
The next day Horatio made up a batch of itching lotion. He then poured a little of it into the Queens brassiere while she was taking a bath.
Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and quickly grew in intensity. When called to the royal chambers, Horatio told the King that only special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure his type of itch. He further explained that test had shown such saliva was only to be found in Michael the Dragon Master's mouth.
King Arthur summoned Michael the Dragon Master and issued the Imperial command. Michael the Dragon Master slipped the antidote to the itching lotion, which Horatio had given him, into his mouth. For the next four hours he worked passionately on the Queen's magnificent breasts.
Satisfied, he returned to his chamber and found Horatio demanding payment. However, with his obsession now satisfied, he refused to pay Horatio anything and shooed him away, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching lotion into King Arthur's loincloth. Michael the Dragon Master was again summoned by the King.........................
One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio, who was the King's chief physician.
Horatio said, "I can arrange it, but I will need 1,000 gold coins as a
bribe".
Michael the Dragon Master readily agreed.
The next day Horatio made up a batch of itching lotion. He then poured a little of it into the Queens brassiere while she was taking a bath.
Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and quickly grew in intensity. When called to the royal chambers, Horatio told the King that only special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure his type of itch. He further explained that test had shown such saliva was only to be found in Michael the Dragon Master's mouth.
King Arthur summoned Michael the Dragon Master and issued the Imperial command. Michael the Dragon Master slipped the antidote to the itching lotion, which Horatio had given him, into his mouth. For the next four hours he worked passionately on the Queen's magnificent breasts.
Satisfied, he returned to his chamber and found Horatio demanding payment. However, with his obsession now satisfied, he refused to pay Horatio anything and shooed him away, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching lotion into King Arthur's loincloth. Michael the Dragon Master was again summoned by the King.........................
Saturday, January 16, 2010
woman doesnt know why
A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black
and blue...
Doctor: 'What happened?'
Woman: 'Doctor, I don't know what to do,
Everytime my husband comes home drunk, he
beats me to a pulp'.
Doctor: 'I have a really good medicine
against that, when your husband comes home
drunk again, just take a glass of chamomile
tea and start gargling with it, just gargle
and gargle'.
Two weeks later, she came back to the doctor
looking reborn and fresh and happy.
'Doc, that was a brilliant idea. Everytime my
husband come home drunk I gargle with chamomile
tea and he never touch me'.
Doctor: 'You see how keeping your mouth shut helps!'
and blue...
Doctor: 'What happened?'
Woman: 'Doctor, I don't know what to do,
Everytime my husband comes home drunk, he
beats me to a pulp'.
Doctor: 'I have a really good medicine
against that, when your husband comes home
drunk again, just take a glass of chamomile
tea and start gargling with it, just gargle
and gargle'.
Two weeks later, she came back to the doctor
looking reborn and fresh and happy.
'Doc, that was a brilliant idea. Everytime my
husband come home drunk I gargle with chamomile
tea and he never touch me'.
Doctor: 'You see how keeping your mouth shut helps!'
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Never help a man pull his penis
An armless man in a long jacket walks into a bathroom and stands by a urinal...
Soon seeing he needs help to use the toilet he asks a closeby man, " Can you help me point my penis" ?
The man reluctantly accepted but, decided not to look at the mans penis. After a few seconds of holding it he thinks, " Hey! I'm grabbing it right"? " So I should look, I have a right"!
He looks down at the mans member and sees that is beyond hidious. Startled he jumps back and lets go, asking. " What the hell is wrong with it ?"
The "armless" man pulls his arms out of his jacket and says "I dunno, but, I ain't touchin' it." and walks away.
Soon seeing he needs help to use the toilet he asks a closeby man, " Can you help me point my penis" ?
The man reluctantly accepted but, decided not to look at the mans penis. After a few seconds of holding it he thinks, " Hey! I'm grabbing it right"? " So I should look, I have a right"!
He looks down at the mans member and sees that is beyond hidious. Startled he jumps back and lets go, asking. " What the hell is wrong with it ?"
The "armless" man pulls his arms out of his jacket and says "I dunno, but, I ain't touchin' it." and walks away.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Singlish
Chinese + English = Chinglish
Ah Lek was asked to make a sentence using 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8,9,10.
Not only did he do it 1 to 10, he did it again from 10 back to 1.
This is what he came up with.....
1 day I go 2 climb a 3 outside a house to peep. But the couple
saw me, so I panic and 4 down. The man rushed out and wanted to 5
with me. I ran until I fell 6 and threw up. So I go into 7-eleven and grabbed some 8 to throw at him. Then I took a 9 and try to stab
at him. 10 God he run away.
10 I put the 9 back and pay for the 8 and left 7-eleven.Next day I called my boss and told him I was 6. He said 5 ,tomorrow also no need to come back 4 work. He also asked me to go climb a 3 and jump down. I don't understand. I am so nice 2 him but I don't know what he 1.
Ah Lek was asked to make a sentence using 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8,9,10.
Not only did he do it 1 to 10, he did it again from 10 back to 1.
This is what he came up with.....
1 day I go 2 climb a 3 outside a house to peep. But the couple
saw me, so I panic and 4 down. The man rushed out and wanted to 5
with me. I ran until I fell 6 and threw up. So I go into 7-eleven and grabbed some 8 to throw at him. Then I took a 9 and try to stab
at him. 10 God he run away.
10 I put the 9 back and pay for the 8 and left 7-eleven.Next day I called my boss and told him I was 6. He said 5 ,tomorrow also no need to come back 4 work. He also asked me to go climb a 3 and jump down. I don't understand. I am so nice 2 him but I don't know what he 1.
Teacher blues
The teacher walked into the classroom to find words like "cunt" and "cock" scrawled all over the blackboard. She suspected Little Johnny, but could not prove it.
"Children," she said, addressing the classroom, "you are much too young to use vile language like that. Now we're all going to close our eyes and count up to fifty. Then, while our eyes are closed, I want the little boy or girl who wrote those words on the board to tiptoe up and erase them."
At the signal, the teacher and the children all closed their eyes.
Then the teacher counted out loud, very slowly. She peeked and saw Little Johnny leave his seat. When she reached fifty, she said, "All right. Everybody open their eyes." She was very pleased with Little Johnny for doing the right thing.
All eyes went to the blackboard, but none of the words were erased. Below them was the message: "Fuck you, teacher! The Phantom strikes again!"
"Children," she said, addressing the classroom, "you are much too young to use vile language like that. Now we're all going to close our eyes and count up to fifty. Then, while our eyes are closed, I want the little boy or girl who wrote those words on the board to tiptoe up and erase them."
At the signal, the teacher and the children all closed their eyes.
Then the teacher counted out loud, very slowly. She peeked and saw Little Johnny leave his seat. When she reached fifty, she said, "All right. Everybody open their eyes." She was very pleased with Little Johnny for doing the right thing.
All eyes went to the blackboard, but none of the words were erased. Below them was the message: "Fuck you, teacher! The Phantom strikes again!"
One day in the old folks home...
An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car.
As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but you were speeding. Can I see your driver's license?"
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him.
He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.
Up and down the halls she goes again.
Again, the same old man jumps out a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but I saw you cross over the center line back there. Can I see your registration please?"
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him.
He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.
She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over.
As she comes to the old man's room again he jumps out. This time he's stark naked and has an erection!
The old lady in the wheelchair looks up and says, "Oh no, not the Breathalyzer again!"
As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but you were speeding. Can I see your driver's license?"
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him.
He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.
Up and down the halls she goes again.
Again, the same old man jumps out a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but I saw you cross over the center line back there. Can I see your registration please?"
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him.
He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.
She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over.
As she comes to the old man's room again he jumps out. This time he's stark naked and has an erection!
The old lady in the wheelchair looks up and says, "Oh no, not the Breathalyzer again!"
romance meets reality
Husband comes home from Church, greets his wife, lifts her up and carries her around the house.
Wife: Did the Pastor preach about being romantic?
Husband: No, he said we must carry our burdens.
Wife: Did the Pastor preach about being romantic?
Husband: No, he said we must carry our burdens.
Grandfather tries to go beijing...
One day, the boss of a MNC told his secretary, ‘Two days later, accompany me to Beijing.’
The secretary called her husband and said, ‘Two days later, I'll be going to Beijing for a meeting.’
The husband called his secret lover and said, ‘For the next few days, my wife will be out of town. Baby, come to my place. We’ve fun.’
The secret lover called her primary school student and said, ‘Ah boy, for the next two to four days, I’m busy. You may enjoy your holiday.’
The student called his grandfather and said, ‘Ah Kong, my tuition teacher took off and I’ve two days holiday. Can you come and play with me?’
The grandfather called his secretary and said, ‘Cancel the trip to Beijing. I’ve to play with my grandson.’
The secretary called his husband and said, ‘Beijing's meeting has cancelled.'
Her husband called his secret lover and said, ‘My wife’ business trip to Beijing has cancelled. You don't have to come to my place.’
The secret lover called his student and said, ‘Ah Boy. Class not cancel.’
The student called his grandpa, ‘Ah Kong, my teacher just called and she said class not cancel. So, you don’t have to come.’
The Grandfather called his secretary again and said, ‘I think it’s a wise idea to go Beijing…’
The secretary called her husband and said, ‘Two days later, I'll be going to Beijing for a meeting.’
The husband called his secret lover and said, ‘For the next few days, my wife will be out of town. Baby, come to my place. We’ve fun.’
The secret lover called her primary school student and said, ‘Ah boy, for the next two to four days, I’m busy. You may enjoy your holiday.’
The student called his grandfather and said, ‘Ah Kong, my tuition teacher took off and I’ve two days holiday. Can you come and play with me?’
The grandfather called his secretary and said, ‘Cancel the trip to Beijing. I’ve to play with my grandson.’
The secretary called his husband and said, ‘Beijing's meeting has cancelled.'
Her husband called his secret lover and said, ‘My wife’ business trip to Beijing has cancelled. You don't have to come to my place.’
The secret lover called his student and said, ‘Ah Boy. Class not cancel.’
The student called his grandpa, ‘Ah Kong, my teacher just called and she said class not cancel. So, you don’t have to come.’
The Grandfather called his secretary again and said, ‘I think it’s a wise idea to go Beijing…’
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Dining table Blues
A guy is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it’s missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.
His girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him.
“No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don’t say a word.” She tells him, “Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven’t done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them.”
He sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So he decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier.
But still there is complete silence at the table. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. He remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline.
Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend’s father backs away from the table and screams, “OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I’LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES”
His girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him.
“No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don’t say a word.” She tells him, “Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven’t done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them.”
He sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So he decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier.
But still there is complete silence at the table. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. He remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline.
Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend’s father backs away from the table and screams, “OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I’LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES”
Johnny jumps a grade
Johnny goes to the teacher and says he's too smart for third grade, and should be sent to fourth grade.
Teacher takes him to the principal, and says she wants to take a test.
Principal says, ok, go ahead.
Teacher: what does a cow have four of, that I have only two of?
Johnny:legs.
Teacher: whats in your pants that starts with a 'P' and ends with a 'S' and I dont have it?
Johnny: Pockets.
Teacher: What starts with a 'C' and ends with a 'T' and is hairy, oval, and juicy and you lick its sweet juice?
Johnny: Coconut.
Teacher: What is it that a lady does sitting down, a guy does standing up, and a dog does on three feet?
Johnny: Shake hands.
Teacher: What four letter word starts with F and ends with K and if a man can't get it he uses his hands?
Johnny: Fork
The teacher turns to the Principal and says, he is fit for fourth grade, what do you think?
The principal says, Holy shit..put him in fifth grade, I got all the answers wrong myself !
Teacher takes him to the principal, and says she wants to take a test.
Principal says, ok, go ahead.
Teacher: what does a cow have four of, that I have only two of?
Johnny:legs.
Teacher: whats in your pants that starts with a 'P' and ends with a 'S' and I dont have it?
Johnny: Pockets.
Teacher: What starts with a 'C' and ends with a 'T' and is hairy, oval, and juicy and you lick its sweet juice?
Johnny: Coconut.
Teacher: What is it that a lady does sitting down, a guy does standing up, and a dog does on three feet?
Johnny: Shake hands.
Teacher: What four letter word starts with F and ends with K and if a man can't get it he uses his hands?
Johnny: Fork
The teacher turns to the Principal and says, he is fit for fourth grade, what do you think?
The principal says, Holy shit..put him in fifth grade, I got all the answers wrong myself !
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