A crab and a lobster are secretly dating. Pretty soon,
the lobster tires of the lying and tells her father, who
then forbids her to see the crab anymore.
'It will never work honey', he says to her. 'Crabs walk
sideways and we walk straight'.
'Please', she begs her father. 'Just meet him once, I
know you will like him'.
Her father relents and agrees to a one-time meeting,
and she runs off to tell the good news to her crab
sweetie.
The crab is so excited he decides to surprise his beloved's
family. He practiced and practiced until he can finally
walk straight.
On the BIG day, he walks the entire way to the lobster's
house as straight as he can.
Standing on the porch and seeing the crab walked towards
him, the lobster dad yelled to his daughter, 'I knew it, here
comes the crab and he is drunk!'.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Poems written by WIFE and HUSBAND.
WIFE:
I wrote your name on sand it got washed.
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away.
Then I wrote your name on my heart & I got Heart Attack.
HUSBAND:
God saw me hungry, he created pizza.
He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi.
He saw me in dark, he created light.
He saw me without problems, he created YOU.
WIFE:
Twinkle twinkle little star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far.
HUSBAND:
The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful
Why doesn't it rain on you?
WIFE:
Roses are red; Violets are blue
Monkeys like u should be kept in zoo.
Don't feel so angry you will find me there too
Not in cage but laughing at you
I wrote your name on sand it got washed.
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away.
Then I wrote your name on my heart & I got Heart Attack.
HUSBAND:
God saw me hungry, he created pizza.
He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi.
He saw me in dark, he created light.
He saw me without problems, he created YOU.
WIFE:
Twinkle twinkle little star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far.
HUSBAND:
The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful
Why doesn't it rain on you?
WIFE:
Roses are red; Violets are blue
Monkeys like u should be kept in zoo.
Don't feel so angry you will find me there too
Not in cage but laughing at you
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
bribery gone wrong
Michael the Dragon Master was an official in King Arthur's court. He had a long standing obsession - to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts. But he knew the penalty for this would be death.
One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio, who was the King's chief physician.
Horatio said, "I can arrange it, but I will need 1,000 gold coins as a
bribe".
Michael the Dragon Master readily agreed.
The next day Horatio made up a batch of itching lotion. He then poured a little of it into the Queens brassiere while she was taking a bath.
Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and quickly grew in intensity. When called to the royal chambers, Horatio told the King that only special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure his type of itch. He further explained that test had shown such saliva was only to be found in Michael the Dragon Master's mouth.
King Arthur summoned Michael the Dragon Master and issued the Imperial command. Michael the Dragon Master slipped the antidote to the itching lotion, which Horatio had given him, into his mouth. For the next four hours he worked passionately on the Queen's magnificent breasts.
Satisfied, he returned to his chamber and found Horatio demanding payment. However, with his obsession now satisfied, he refused to pay Horatio anything and shooed him away, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching lotion into King Arthur's loincloth. Michael the Dragon Master was again summoned by the King.........................
One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio, who was the King's chief physician.
Horatio said, "I can arrange it, but I will need 1,000 gold coins as a
bribe".
Michael the Dragon Master readily agreed.
The next day Horatio made up a batch of itching lotion. He then poured a little of it into the Queens brassiere while she was taking a bath.
Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and quickly grew in intensity. When called to the royal chambers, Horatio told the King that only special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure his type of itch. He further explained that test had shown such saliva was only to be found in Michael the Dragon Master's mouth.
King Arthur summoned Michael the Dragon Master and issued the Imperial command. Michael the Dragon Master slipped the antidote to the itching lotion, which Horatio had given him, into his mouth. For the next four hours he worked passionately on the Queen's magnificent breasts.
Satisfied, he returned to his chamber and found Horatio demanding payment. However, with his obsession now satisfied, he refused to pay Horatio anything and shooed him away, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching lotion into King Arthur's loincloth. Michael the Dragon Master was again summoned by the King.........................
Saturday, January 16, 2010
woman doesnt know why
A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black
and blue...
Doctor: 'What happened?'
Woman: 'Doctor, I don't know what to do,
Everytime my husband comes home drunk, he
beats me to a pulp'.
Doctor: 'I have a really good medicine
against that, when your husband comes home
drunk again, just take a glass of chamomile
tea and start gargling with it, just gargle
and gargle'.
Two weeks later, she came back to the doctor
looking reborn and fresh and happy.
'Doc, that was a brilliant idea. Everytime my
husband come home drunk I gargle with chamomile
tea and he never touch me'.
Doctor: 'You see how keeping your mouth shut helps!'
and blue...
Doctor: 'What happened?'
Woman: 'Doctor, I don't know what to do,
Everytime my husband comes home drunk, he
beats me to a pulp'.
Doctor: 'I have a really good medicine
against that, when your husband comes home
drunk again, just take a glass of chamomile
tea and start gargling with it, just gargle
and gargle'.
Two weeks later, she came back to the doctor
looking reborn and fresh and happy.
'Doc, that was a brilliant idea. Everytime my
husband come home drunk I gargle with chamomile
tea and he never touch me'.
Doctor: 'You see how keeping your mouth shut helps!'
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Never help a man pull his penis
An armless man in a long jacket walks into a bathroom and stands by a urinal...
Soon seeing he needs help to use the toilet he asks a closeby man, " Can you help me point my penis" ?
The man reluctantly accepted but, decided not to look at the mans penis. After a few seconds of holding it he thinks, " Hey! I'm grabbing it right"? " So I should look, I have a right"!
He looks down at the mans member and sees that is beyond hidious. Startled he jumps back and lets go, asking. " What the hell is wrong with it ?"
The "armless" man pulls his arms out of his jacket and says "I dunno, but, I ain't touchin' it." and walks away.
Soon seeing he needs help to use the toilet he asks a closeby man, " Can you help me point my penis" ?
The man reluctantly accepted but, decided not to look at the mans penis. After a few seconds of holding it he thinks, " Hey! I'm grabbing it right"? " So I should look, I have a right"!
He looks down at the mans member and sees that is beyond hidious. Startled he jumps back and lets go, asking. " What the hell is wrong with it ?"
The "armless" man pulls his arms out of his jacket and says "I dunno, but, I ain't touchin' it." and walks away.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Singlish
Chinese + English = Chinglish
Ah Lek was asked to make a sentence using 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8,9,10.
Not only did he do it 1 to 10, he did it again from 10 back to 1.
This is what he came up with.....
1 day I go 2 climb a 3 outside a house to peep. But the couple
saw me, so I panic and 4 down. The man rushed out and wanted to 5
with me. I ran until I fell 6 and threw up. So I go into 7-eleven and grabbed some 8 to throw at him. Then I took a 9 and try to stab
at him. 10 God he run away.
10 I put the 9 back and pay for the 8 and left 7-eleven.Next day I called my boss and told him I was 6. He said 5 ,tomorrow also no need to come back 4 work. He also asked me to go climb a 3 and jump down. I don't understand. I am so nice 2 him but I don't know what he 1.
Ah Lek was asked to make a sentence using 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8,9,10.
Not only did he do it 1 to 10, he did it again from 10 back to 1.
This is what he came up with.....
1 day I go 2 climb a 3 outside a house to peep. But the couple
saw me, so I panic and 4 down. The man rushed out and wanted to 5
with me. I ran until I fell 6 and threw up. So I go into 7-eleven and grabbed some 8 to throw at him. Then I took a 9 and try to stab
at him. 10 God he run away.
10 I put the 9 back and pay for the 8 and left 7-eleven.Next day I called my boss and told him I was 6. He said 5 ,tomorrow also no need to come back 4 work. He also asked me to go climb a 3 and jump down. I don't understand. I am so nice 2 him but I don't know what he 1.
Teacher blues
The teacher walked into the classroom to find words like "cunt" and "cock" scrawled all over the blackboard. She suspected Little Johnny, but could not prove it.
"Children," she said, addressing the classroom, "you are much too young to use vile language like that. Now we're all going to close our eyes and count up to fifty. Then, while our eyes are closed, I want the little boy or girl who wrote those words on the board to tiptoe up and erase them."
At the signal, the teacher and the children all closed their eyes.
Then the teacher counted out loud, very slowly. She peeked and saw Little Johnny leave his seat. When she reached fifty, she said, "All right. Everybody open their eyes." She was very pleased with Little Johnny for doing the right thing.
All eyes went to the blackboard, but none of the words were erased. Below them was the message: "Fuck you, teacher! The Phantom strikes again!"
"Children," she said, addressing the classroom, "you are much too young to use vile language like that. Now we're all going to close our eyes and count up to fifty. Then, while our eyes are closed, I want the little boy or girl who wrote those words on the board to tiptoe up and erase them."
At the signal, the teacher and the children all closed their eyes.
Then the teacher counted out loud, very slowly. She peeked and saw Little Johnny leave his seat. When she reached fifty, she said, "All right. Everybody open their eyes." She was very pleased with Little Johnny for doing the right thing.
All eyes went to the blackboard, but none of the words were erased. Below them was the message: "Fuck you, teacher! The Phantom strikes again!"
One day in the old folks home...
An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car.
As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but you were speeding. Can I see your driver's license?"
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him.
He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.
Up and down the halls she goes again.
Again, the same old man jumps out a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but I saw you cross over the center line back there. Can I see your registration please?"
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him.
He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.
She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over.
As she comes to the old man's room again he jumps out. This time he's stark naked and has an erection!
The old lady in the wheelchair looks up and says, "Oh no, not the Breathalyzer again!"
As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but you were speeding. Can I see your driver's license?"
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him.
He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.
Up and down the halls she goes again.
Again, the same old man jumps out a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but I saw you cross over the center line back there. Can I see your registration please?"
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him.
He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.
She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over.
As she comes to the old man's room again he jumps out. This time he's stark naked and has an erection!
The old lady in the wheelchair looks up and says, "Oh no, not the Breathalyzer again!"
romance meets reality
Husband comes home from Church, greets his wife, lifts her up and carries her around the house.
Wife: Did the Pastor preach about being romantic?
Husband: No, he said we must carry our burdens.
Wife: Did the Pastor preach about being romantic?
Husband: No, he said we must carry our burdens.
Grandfather tries to go beijing...
One day, the boss of a MNC told his secretary, ‘Two days later, accompany me to Beijing.’
The secretary called her husband and said, ‘Two days later, I'll be going to Beijing for a meeting.’
The husband called his secret lover and said, ‘For the next few days, my wife will be out of town. Baby, come to my place. We’ve fun.’
The secret lover called her primary school student and said, ‘Ah boy, for the next two to four days, I’m busy. You may enjoy your holiday.’
The student called his grandfather and said, ‘Ah Kong, my tuition teacher took off and I’ve two days holiday. Can you come and play with me?’
The grandfather called his secretary and said, ‘Cancel the trip to Beijing. I’ve to play with my grandson.’
The secretary called his husband and said, ‘Beijing's meeting has cancelled.'
Her husband called his secret lover and said, ‘My wife’ business trip to Beijing has cancelled. You don't have to come to my place.’
The secret lover called his student and said, ‘Ah Boy. Class not cancel.’
The student called his grandpa, ‘Ah Kong, my teacher just called and she said class not cancel. So, you don’t have to come.’
The Grandfather called his secretary again and said, ‘I think it’s a wise idea to go Beijing…’
The secretary called her husband and said, ‘Two days later, I'll be going to Beijing for a meeting.’
The husband called his secret lover and said, ‘For the next few days, my wife will be out of town. Baby, come to my place. We’ve fun.’
The secret lover called her primary school student and said, ‘Ah boy, for the next two to four days, I’m busy. You may enjoy your holiday.’
The student called his grandfather and said, ‘Ah Kong, my tuition teacher took off and I’ve two days holiday. Can you come and play with me?’
The grandfather called his secretary and said, ‘Cancel the trip to Beijing. I’ve to play with my grandson.’
The secretary called his husband and said, ‘Beijing's meeting has cancelled.'
Her husband called his secret lover and said, ‘My wife’ business trip to Beijing has cancelled. You don't have to come to my place.’
The secret lover called his student and said, ‘Ah Boy. Class not cancel.’
The student called his grandpa, ‘Ah Kong, my teacher just called and she said class not cancel. So, you don’t have to come.’
The Grandfather called his secretary again and said, ‘I think it’s a wise idea to go Beijing…’
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Dining table Blues
A guy is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it’s missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.
His girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him.
“No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don’t say a word.” She tells him, “Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven’t done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them.”
He sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So he decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier.
But still there is complete silence at the table. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. He remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline.
Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend’s father backs away from the table and screams, “OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I’LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES”
His girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him.
“No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don’t say a word.” She tells him, “Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven’t done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them.”
He sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So he decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier.
But still there is complete silence at the table. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. He remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline.
Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend’s father backs away from the table and screams, “OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I’LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES”
Johnny jumps a grade
Johnny goes to the teacher and says he's too smart for third grade, and should be sent to fourth grade.
Teacher takes him to the principal, and says she wants to take a test.
Principal says, ok, go ahead.
Teacher: what does a cow have four of, that I have only two of?
Johnny:legs.
Teacher: whats in your pants that starts with a 'P' and ends with a 'S' and I dont have it?
Johnny: Pockets.
Teacher: What starts with a 'C' and ends with a 'T' and is hairy, oval, and juicy and you lick its sweet juice?
Johnny: Coconut.
Teacher: What is it that a lady does sitting down, a guy does standing up, and a dog does on three feet?
Johnny: Shake hands.
Teacher: What four letter word starts with F and ends with K and if a man can't get it he uses his hands?
Johnny: Fork
The teacher turns to the Principal and says, he is fit for fourth grade, what do you think?
The principal says, Holy shit..put him in fifth grade, I got all the answers wrong myself !
Teacher takes him to the principal, and says she wants to take a test.
Principal says, ok, go ahead.
Teacher: what does a cow have four of, that I have only two of?
Johnny:legs.
Teacher: whats in your pants that starts with a 'P' and ends with a 'S' and I dont have it?
Johnny: Pockets.
Teacher: What starts with a 'C' and ends with a 'T' and is hairy, oval, and juicy and you lick its sweet juice?
Johnny: Coconut.
Teacher: What is it that a lady does sitting down, a guy does standing up, and a dog does on three feet?
Johnny: Shake hands.
Teacher: What four letter word starts with F and ends with K and if a man can't get it he uses his hands?
Johnny: Fork
The teacher turns to the Principal and says, he is fit for fourth grade, what do you think?
The principal says, Holy shit..put him in fifth grade, I got all the answers wrong myself !
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