How do you explain the fact that 87% of the students passed the
examinations of the Sijil Persekolahan Malaysia (SPM) recently?
When during your grandfather's time only 10% would have passed? Are
students getting smarter? Or are SPM questions getting easier? Let me put
things in their proper perspective. During your grandfather's time, they
would ask exam questions like:
In what year did Parameswara found the kingdom of Melaka?
The correct answer was "1402", and they found that only 10% of the students
managed to answer the question correctly. This didn't go down too well
with the authorities, because the objective of the exams was to pass
people. I mean, what's the point of having exams if people fail?
So later, they found another way to ask the same question:
Parameswara founded the kingdom of Melaka in the year:
(a) 2001
(b) 2004
(c) 1986
(d) 1975
(e) 1402
Tick the correct answer.
The results were better in that 20% of the students passed. But it was
still not good enough, so the authorities tried a different tactic a few
years later.
Parameswara founded the kingdom of Melaka in the year1402. True or false?
Well, half of the students guessed "True" and the other half guessed
"False". Fully 50% passed. The results were getting pretty acceptable by
now. Most other countries would be satisfied with a 50% passing rate, but
not us. We are a better country, because we are a boleh country.The
authorities then cracked their heads and then came out with this one:
Read the following sentence carefully.
"Parameswara, the cousin of Proton-Iswara, founded the kingdom of Melaka in
the year 1402." Underline the name of the person who founded Melaka.
60% underlined "Parameswara", 30% underlined "Proton-Iswara" and 10%
underlined "1402". Hooiyoh......60% managed to pass!
So krever! But for some reason, the authorities were still not contented.
So last year, they came out with this gem:
One day in the year 1402, Parameswara founded the kingdom of Melaka. Then
he went home to have dinner. What did he eat?
13% handed in blank answers, 57% wrote "Maggi Mee", and 10% wrote Kentucky
Fried Chicken", and 20% wrote "Tree bark".
The official answer was "Food"
After the marking was over, it was found that 87% of the students had
passed. 87%............now that's pretty impressive!
So it's true. The students are indeed getting smarter.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
short jokes
A man is dying of Cancer.
His son asked him, " Dad, why do u keep telling people u're dying of
AIDS? "
Answer: " So when I'm dead no one will dare touch your mom!"
-
Three Feelings:
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,and
Panic is when both are pregnant.
His son asked him, " Dad, why do u keep telling people u're dying of
AIDS? "
Answer: " So when I'm dead no one will dare touch your mom!"
-
Three Feelings:
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,and
Panic is when both are pregnant.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Thermometer troubles
A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"
She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing.
After a half hour, the man's doctor came into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"
After a pause, the doctor confessed....."Not with a carnation."
13 one-liners
1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory.. I don't remember, what I chose.
2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings....'
5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.
6. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly..
7. Virginity can be cured.
8. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
9. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
10. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing......
11. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.
12. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
13. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!!
2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings....'
5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.
6. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly..
7. Virginity can be cured.
8. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
9. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
10. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing......
11. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.
12. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
13. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!!
Magic Oasis
Three disabled men (a blind man, an amputee, and a man in a wheelchair) are flying back with the USA team from the Paralympic games in the Middle East when their plane crashes in the Sahara Desert. The three disabled men, the only survivors, are now stranded and wait for someone to rescue them, but no one shows.
They start to get real thirsty, so they decide to seek out water. The amputee leads the way, with the blind man pushing the man in the wheelchair;. Eventually they find an oasis. The amputee leader goes into the water first, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and lo and behold, he has a NEW LEG! He gets excited and encourages his friends to do the same.
The blind man offers to push the guy in the wheelchair, but he is refused. The man in the chair is skeptical and insists the blind man goes ahead first. So he goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and lo and behold, he can SEE!
Now the man in the wheelchair is getting really excited and starts pushing with all his might. He goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, and wheels out the other side. Lo and behold ... NEW TIRES!!!
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
FOR OVER-PROTECTIVE MOMS - WHEN TO STOP BREAST FEEDING ?
TOP 10 SIGNS that your son has grown too old for Breast Feeding
10. He can open your blouse by himself.
9. While suckling at one breast, he caresses the other.
8. He has developed a bad habit of flicking his tongue.
7. He keeps slipping dollar bills in your belt.
6. He uses your milk as creamer for his coffee.
5. Your birth control pills interfere with his acne medicine.
4. After each feeding, he has a smoke.
3. He frequently invites his friends over for dinner.
2. You feel an uncontrollable urge to listen to Dueling Banjos.
1. Beard abrasions on areola.
10. He can open your blouse by himself.
9. While suckling at one breast, he caresses the other.
8. He has developed a bad habit of flicking his tongue.
7. He keeps slipping dollar bills in your belt.
6. He uses your milk as creamer for his coffee.
5. Your birth control pills interfere with his acne medicine.
4. After each feeding, he has a smoke.
3. He frequently invites his friends over for dinner.
2. You feel an uncontrollable urge to listen to Dueling Banjos.
1. Beard abrasions on areola.
America Health Care
The queen of England was visiting one of America’s top hospitals, and during her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.
“Oh my god!”, said the Queen, “That’s disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???”
The doctor leading the tour explains, “I’m sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn’t ejaculate five times a day, his testicles would quite literally explode and he would most likely die instantly.”
“Oh, I am sorry” said the Queen.
The tour continued on the next floor of the hospital. After walking past several rooms, they passed an open door where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.
“Oh my God!” said the Queen, “What’s happening in there?”
The Doctor replied, “Same problem, better health plan.”
“Oh my god!”, said the Queen, “That’s disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???”
The doctor leading the tour explains, “I’m sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn’t ejaculate five times a day, his testicles would quite literally explode and he would most likely die instantly.”
“Oh, I am sorry” said the Queen.
The tour continued on the next floor of the hospital. After walking past several rooms, they passed an open door where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.
“Oh my God!” said the Queen, “What’s happening in there?”
The Doctor replied, “Same problem, better health plan.”
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
18 lines
[1] Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.
[2] Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.
[3] Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!
[4] I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash.
[5] A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.
[6] Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.
[7] Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without
[8] You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it.
[9] Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
[10] Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway..
[11] My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.
[12] Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.
[13] Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.
[14] A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.
[15] You're getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.
[16] Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.
[17] Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.
[18] Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something[
[2] Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.
[3] Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!
[4] I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash.
[5] A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.
[6] Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.
[7] Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without
[8] You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it.
[9] Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
[10] Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway..
[11] My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.
[12] Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.
[13] Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.
[14] A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.
[15] You're getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.
[16] Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.
[17] Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.
[18] Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something[
Friday, February 12, 2010
Blondes prove their not dumb
A group of Blondes decided that it was not ok to assicaite dumbness with blondes so they decided to hold a convention to proof to the world that blondes are not dumb.
On the actual day of the convention,with the presence of a nationwide media coverage, the host decided to test a blonde on stage, in front of 60,000 blondes and the national media, to prove that blondes are not dumb by asking a few questions.
A brave blonde come on stage and the host asked her....
Host: What is 15 plus 15?
After 30 seconds the blonde shouted "44!!!" The crowd went "OOOHHHHH......"
Slightly embarrassed, the host shook his head. But the crowd went" Give her another chance
Host : What is 10 plus 10?
The blonde took 1 full minute this time and shouted" 18!!!"
Again the crowd went "OOOHHHH...." The host,much ammbrassed this time again shook his head, but the crowd again went " Give her another chance,give her another chance" So the host,in order to support the notion that blondes are not dumb asked another question.
Host: What is 1 plus 1? The blonde took 3 minutes thus time and shouted "2!!!"
The crowd went " OOOHHHH.... Give her another chance,give her another chance." __________________
On the actual day of the convention,with the presence of a nationwide media coverage, the host decided to test a blonde on stage, in front of 60,000 blondes and the national media, to prove that blondes are not dumb by asking a few questions.
A brave blonde come on stage and the host asked her....
Host: What is 15 plus 15?
After 30 seconds the blonde shouted "44!!!" The crowd went "OOOHHHHH......"
Slightly embarrassed, the host shook his head. But the crowd went" Give her another chance
Host : What is 10 plus 10?
The blonde took 1 full minute this time and shouted" 18!!!"
Again the crowd went "OOOHHHH...." The host,much ammbrassed this time again shook his head, but the crowd again went " Give her another chance,give her another chance" So the host,in order to support the notion that blondes are not dumb asked another question.
Host: What is 1 plus 1? The blonde took 3 minutes thus time and shouted "2!!!"
The crowd went " OOOHHHH.... Give her another chance,give her another chance." __________________
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Answering Service At The Mental Institute
"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until someone comes on the line.
If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic-stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you."
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until someone comes on the line.
If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic-stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you."
Subjective Views in the Barroom
Having already downed a few power drinks, the woman turned to the man beside her, looked him straight in the eyes and said, “Listen up, Buddy. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean… it doesn’t matter to me. I’ve been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it.” Eyes wide with interest, he responded, “No kidding, I’m a lawyer too! What firm are you with?”
Monday, February 1, 2010
Phone Network Discovery
German scientists dug 50 metres underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nationwide telephone network.
Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 metres down, they found small pieces of glass, and they soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nationwide fibre net.
Israeli scientists were outraged. They dug 50, 100 and 200 metres underground, but found absolutely nothing......They concluded that the ancient Hebrews 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones.
Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 metres down, they found small pieces of glass, and they soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nationwide fibre net.
Israeli scientists were outraged. They dug 50, 100 and 200 metres underground, but found absolutely nothing......They concluded that the ancient Hebrews 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones.
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