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Monday, April 26, 2010
Monday, April 19, 2010
Sometimes its best to not know.....
My stomach hurts
A man with a bad stomach ache goes to his local doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured with a small course of two suppositories inserted deep into the rectum.
The man agrees and the doctor tells him to bend over, and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him the second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours time using rubber gloves and KY-Jelly or something.
So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. Thus, he calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home.
Suddenly the man screams in disgust.
"What's the matter hun?" asked his wife. "Did I hurt you?"
"No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders."
A man with a bad stomach ache goes to his local doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured with a small course of two suppositories inserted deep into the rectum.
The man agrees and the doctor tells him to bend over, and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him the second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours time using rubber gloves and KY-Jelly or something.
So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. Thus, he calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home.
Suddenly the man screams in disgust.
"What's the matter hun?" asked his wife. "Did I hurt you?"
"No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders."
Which general has the toughest man ??
A Marine general, a Commando general and a Navy Admiral were discussing who had the toughest men.
The Marine general says:: Alright, I'll prove the marines have the toughest men in this country. Private, get over here!
The marine private reports as ordered, "Yes sir?"
The marine general says:: See that man over there? Kill him!
Without hesitating, the private takes aim with his M-16 and kills the man.
The marine general says:: See? That man has balls!
The Commando general says:: That's nothing. Private, get over here!
The Commando private reports, "Yes, sir?"
The commando general says":: See that man over there? Kill him and then kill yourself.
Without blinking, the commando private pulls out his Samurai Sword and chops the guy into 2, then cuts off his own dick, dying slowly in a spray of blood.
The commando general says:: See? Now that man has balls!
The Navy Admiral says:: That's nothing.
He calls to a seaman high up on a tower, "Hey, seaman, jump off that tower!"
The seaman answers:: Excuse me, sir?
The admiral repeats:: JUMP OFF THAT TOWER!
The seaman replies:: FUCK YOU, MOTHER CB, YOU THINK I NO BRAIN ISSIT ?
The admiral says:: "See? That man has balls and he's got brains too!"
The Marine general says:: Alright, I'll prove the marines have the toughest men in this country. Private, get over here!
The marine private reports as ordered, "Yes sir?"
The marine general says:: See that man over there? Kill him!
Without hesitating, the private takes aim with his M-16 and kills the man.
The marine general says:: See? That man has balls!
The Commando general says:: That's nothing. Private, get over here!
The Commando private reports, "Yes, sir?"
The commando general says":: See that man over there? Kill him and then kill yourself.
Without blinking, the commando private pulls out his Samurai Sword and chops the guy into 2, then cuts off his own dick, dying slowly in a spray of blood.
The commando general says:: See? Now that man has balls!
The Navy Admiral says:: That's nothing.
He calls to a seaman high up on a tower, "Hey, seaman, jump off that tower!"
The seaman answers:: Excuse me, sir?
The admiral repeats:: JUMP OFF THAT TOWER!
The seaman replies:: FUCK YOU, MOTHER CB, YOU THINK I NO BRAIN ISSIT ?
The admiral says:: "See? That man has balls and he's got brains too!"
Monday, April 5, 2010
Teacher Teacher..
The teacher walked into the classroom to find the word "penis" chalked in small letters on the board. She was a bit embarrassed, so she didn't say anything, but rubbed it out and went on with the class. But the next day when she came in, she found the same thing again - "penis", this time written slightly larger.
So she rubbed it out again, and went on with the lesson. Again next day, in larger letters, there was the word "penis" again. With a red face she rubbed it out and went on with the lesson. Well, this went on for a whole week, every day the word penis getting bigger. Finally, on Friday she went into the classroom to find chalked up:
"See, the harder you rub it, the bigger it gets!"
So she rubbed it out again, and went on with the lesson. Again next day, in larger letters, there was the word "penis" again. With a red face she rubbed it out and went on with the lesson. Well, this went on for a whole week, every day the word penis getting bigger. Finally, on Friday she went into the classroom to find chalked up:
"See, the harder you rub it, the bigger it gets!"
Wolrd's greatest snooker player gets married
Steve Davis, the world champion snooker player, got married and it was the first night of his honeymoon. His beautiful wife lay spread across the bed wearing only a scanty silken black nightdress.
Presently Steve came out of the bathroom totally naked with a long stiff erection and walked slowly to the foot of the bed. He didn't utter a sound but simply stood there looking at her and chalking the end of his erect penis.
This went on for over ten minutes, the only movement being the slow rhythmic chalking of the tip of his penis and the movement of his head from side to side as he stared at her lying on the bed. Eventually, moist with excitement and shaking with anticipation she tore off her night dress and slowly spread her legs wide open waiting for him to take her.
Steve simply raised his eyebrows, cocked his head to the side and continued to slowly stroke the soft chalk across the glistening, throbbing penis as he stared intensely at the pleasures he saw between her outspread legs. It was too much for her to stand, writhing in an agony of expectation and frustration she screamed out, "For God's sake what are you waiting for?"
Steve gently stroked the chalk across his throbbing penis, blew the loose chalk off its end, smiled and looking even more closely between her smooth thighs quietly told her, "I'm trying to decide whether to go for the tight brown or the easy pink."
Presently Steve came out of the bathroom totally naked with a long stiff erection and walked slowly to the foot of the bed. He didn't utter a sound but simply stood there looking at her and chalking the end of his erect penis.
This went on for over ten minutes, the only movement being the slow rhythmic chalking of the tip of his penis and the movement of his head from side to side as he stared at her lying on the bed. Eventually, moist with excitement and shaking with anticipation she tore off her night dress and slowly spread her legs wide open waiting for him to take her.
Steve simply raised his eyebrows, cocked his head to the side and continued to slowly stroke the soft chalk across the glistening, throbbing penis as he stared intensely at the pleasures he saw between her outspread legs. It was too much for her to stand, writhing in an agony of expectation and frustration she screamed out, "For God's sake what are you waiting for?"
Steve gently stroked the chalk across his throbbing penis, blew the loose chalk off its end, smiled and looking even more closely between her smooth thighs quietly told her, "I'm trying to decide whether to go for the tight brown or the easy pink."
Time for some parent meetings
The teacher in Johnny's school asked the class what their parents did for a living.
One little girl said her father was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer.
When it was Little Johnny's turn, he stood up and said, "My mom's a sexy whore!"
Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office. Then, 15 minutes later, he returned.
So the teacher asked, "Did you tell the principal what you said in class?"
Johnny said, "Yes."
"Well, what did the principal say?"
"He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me an apple and asked for my phone number!"
One little girl said her father was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer.
When it was Little Johnny's turn, he stood up and said, "My mom's a sexy whore!"
Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office. Then, 15 minutes later, he returned.
So the teacher asked, "Did you tell the principal what you said in class?"
Johnny said, "Yes."
"Well, what did the principal say?"
"He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me an apple and asked for my phone number!"
Not everything appears as it seems
There were two brothers. One was very good and tried to always live right and be helpful.
His brother on the other hand was bad and did all the things that men should not do in life and didn't care who he hurt.
The bad brother died. He was still missed by his brother since he loved him despite his ways.
Finally, years later, the good brother died and went to Heaven. Everything was beautiful and wonderful there, and he was very happy.
One day he asked God where his brother was, as he hadn't seen him there.
God said that he was sorry but his brother lived a terrible life and went to Hell instead.
The good brother then asked God if there was any way for him to see his brother.
So God gave him the power of vision to see into Hell and there was his brother.
He was sitting on a bench with a keg of beer under one arm and a gorgeous blonde on the other.
Confused, the good brother said to God, "I am so happy that you let me into Heaven with you.
It is so beautiful here and I love it. But I don't understand - if my brother was bad enough to go to Hell, why does he have the keg of beer and a gorgeous blonde? It hardly seems like a punishment".
God said unto him, "Things are not always as they seem, my son.
The keg has a hole in it; the blonde does not."
His brother on the other hand was bad and did all the things that men should not do in life and didn't care who he hurt.
The bad brother died. He was still missed by his brother since he loved him despite his ways.
Finally, years later, the good brother died and went to Heaven. Everything was beautiful and wonderful there, and he was very happy.
One day he asked God where his brother was, as he hadn't seen him there.
God said that he was sorry but his brother lived a terrible life and went to Hell instead.
The good brother then asked God if there was any way for him to see his brother.
So God gave him the power of vision to see into Hell and there was his brother.
He was sitting on a bench with a keg of beer under one arm and a gorgeous blonde on the other.
Confused, the good brother said to God, "I am so happy that you let me into Heaven with you.
It is so beautiful here and I love it. But I don't understand - if my brother was bad enough to go to Hell, why does he have the keg of beer and a gorgeous blonde? It hardly seems like a punishment".
God said unto him, "Things are not always as they seem, my son.
The keg has a hole in it; the blonde does not."
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Mail Order Brides
A poor 3rd world-country woman was going to marry one of those guys that wants a foreign virgin bride. Since she was not, she went to a doctor to reconstruct her hymen. The doctor told her that would cost around $500, but there was another way that will cost only $50.
The woman agreed to try the cheap way, paid the money, and the doctor worked on her for several minutes.
After the "first night", the woman came back to the doctor and told him that it was perfect. The pain, the blood, everything was there. She asked him how he did it.
"I tied your pubic hair together," he answered.
The woman agreed to try the cheap way, paid the money, and the doctor worked on her for several minutes.
After the "first night", the woman came back to the doctor and told him that it was perfect. The pain, the blood, everything was there. She asked him how he did it.
"I tied your pubic hair together," he answered.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
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